High Conflict Traps Us. Good Conflict Makes Us Better People
A review of the book—High Conflict by Amanda Ripley
Rundown:
FTI Blog Post 107 is a Book Review. This post includes a Rundown, a Reading, a Rating, a Review, personal Reflections from George, and questions for your Reaction.
Reading:
Amanda Ripley. High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out. Kindle Edition. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2021. See the book on Amazon: HERE.
Rating: Ten out of Ten
Rating Scale: One to Three means do not waste your time. It is just mediocre information. Four to Seven says the book is worth a quick read to harvest some learnings. It enhances your knowledge. Eight to Ten suggests the book is worth underlining, highlighting, and quoting. It increases your wisdom.
Review:
High Conflict Traps Us. Good Conflict Makes Us Better People
I love this book! The key reason is that for the past 40-plus years I have been a student, teacher, author, and mediator or manager of conflict in Christian organizations. So much in this book affirms the approach and system I use. In places it goes beyond and provides new learnings.
A second reason is this book has great, insightful case studies interwoven within the book that makes for a great reading experience. It addresses various geographic, cultural, and organizational settings, and the involvement of a diverse set of people in good conflict and high conflict.
A third is that a foundational case study in the book is an attorney who developed a mediation system for clients in conflict. Often marital conflict when he served as the third-party mediator. But when he got involved in second-party conflict as a primary participant, he could not follow his own advice.
I have experienced that. It is humbling to admit I can handle your conflict, but I have a tougher time handling my own. However, the gap between the two has lessened over the years, and I am grateful.
It is one thing which allowed me to stay engaged with my Christian denomination of heritage as it went through decades of high conflict and is still experiencing it now.
Fourth, I love the references to the historic conflict between the second and third presidents of the USA—John Adams and Thomas Jefferson. The only two signers of the Declaration of Independence who became president of the USA.
I have read and enjoyed immensely biographies and early USA histories that have highlighted their conflict which followed them into retirement from government service—lasting at least two decades.
In their final decade of life, a mutual friend got them started in a reconciling correspondence with one another where they were able to resolve many of their differences with a long view of the birth years of our country.
An irony of their mutual respect that rekindled and grew is that both of them died on July 4, 1826 on the 50th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.
Finally, it suggests one of my favorite techniques which is often helpful when people decide they want to have their conflict managed by a third party. “Give people more than two choices. It doesn’t fix everything, but it reduces the power of the binary. Complexity doesn’t collapse into us and them quite so easily.” (95)High Conflict vs.
Good Conflict? Or Unhealthy Conflict vs. Healthy Conflict
High Conflict: This is “the mysterious force that incites people to lose their minds in ideological disputes, political feuds, or gang vendettas. The force that causes us to lie awake at night obsessed by a conflict with a coworker or a sibling or a politician we’ve never met.” (3)
High conflict splits families, organizations, countries—and in my case churches and denominations. It often involves attorneys, courts, law enforcement, and violence. At the time of this writing, we are experiencing it on college and university campuses throughout the USA.
Normal rules of engagement do not apply in high conflict. Few people even understand the rules of engagement during high conflict and have the emotional and intellectual skills to handle it.
Third parties with appropriate authority must intervene in the right way at the right time in high conflict. Even so, many situations are so messy that a positive outcome is not guaranteed.
“When conflict escalates past a certain point, the conflict itself takes charge. The original facts and focuses that led to the dispute fade into the background. The us-versus-them dynamic takes over. Actual differences of opinion on health care policy or immigration stop mattering, and the conflict becomes its own reality.” (8)
“Wishing your opponent will finally see the light is a fool’s errand. It will only lead to heartbreak. Counting up the other side’s wrongs is a hobby that can last a lifetime. Obsessing over the next election is a delay tactic. Telling people to reject hate and choose love will not work. Because people swept up in high conflict do not think of themselves as full of hate, even if they are. They think of themselves as right.” (19)
Good Conflict: This is typically healthy conflict that looks at issues from various perspectives, while recognizing the different perspectives and figuring out a creative way forward. “It’s a force that pushes us to be better people.” (3) It also helps families, organizations, countries—and in my case churches and denominations to have a better future.
Rules of engagement that can be learned by people involved in good conflict will typically work. A third-party to help with the process will enhance the opportunity for these situations to move forward with relative ease, and new learning for how to deal with diversity of viewpoints.
“In healthy conflict, there is movement. Questions get asked. Curiosity exists. There can be yelling too. But healthy conflict leads somewhere. It feels more interesting to get to the other side than to stay in it. In high conflict, the conflict is the destination. There’s nowhere else to go.” (26)
In Closing
Numerous great techniques are presented in the book. Wonderful and insightful—even dramatic case studies are presented. All of which make me very grateful for this book.
Reflections from George:
Handling conflict in churches and denominations is a complex situation. I first started reading on conflict in the mid-1970s. By 1981 I began multiple training experiences with Speed Leas of The Alban Institute.
I immediately began using his system in my ongoing work with churches and denominational organizations. By 1983 I was leading conflict mediation and management training throughout the United States for churches and denominational leaders.
One tool Speed introduced in the early 1980s shared five levels of conflict. As I heard Speed present it multiple times, I realized he talked about a low level three and a high level three conflict, and a non-violent five and a violent five.
I told him he was really teaching seven levels of conflict. He agreed, but said he had been teaching the five levels so long he did not want to modify his model and confuse people.
With his permission I developed a new chart that had seven intensities of conflict. The first three were good or healthy conflict. The last three were high or unhealthy conflict. Intensity four was the transitional intensity.
In 2008 I published a book entitled Every Congregation Needs a Little Conflict which was organized around the seven intensities. A year ago I withdrew this book from publication to work on a rewrite of it dealing with new and different perspectives and some new issues facing churches and denominations.
I do not know yet when that will be written and released. It is in line behind one or two other books I am writing. I keep coming across new information such as this book—High Conflict—which i want to include.
In the meantime, I am willing to do a videoconference here and there for groups who want to learn about the seven intensities of conflict and how they apply in today’s church and denominational culture.
Now a gift for those who read to the end of this blog post:
Reactions:
You are invited to share some reactions (comments) to this book review and my reflections. Here are three questions to guide your reaction:
What types or issues of conflict in your organization or ministry do you most often find yourself having to address? (Particularly high conflict.)
What tools and processes do you use?
How is it coming? Are you able to address your conflict situations, or do you need additional tools and processes?